Why I Stopped Dating: Confessions of a Serial Dater

Following the World’s View on Dating is Costly

I was a love struck fool constantly dating, thinking the more I put myself out there, the higher chance I had at finding “The One.” I was wrong!  I put myself online, offline, and every chance I had to meet different guys.  I was guilty of idolatry.  I bought into the world’s view of dating to find love and marriage.  I even believed the Hollywood myths from movies, to love songs, to the celebrities themselves!  In the end, I was left with a deflated spirit and a broken heart!  In my dismay, I repented and spent some much needed time alone with God.  In the process, He has redeemed me and restored me.  He has shown me The Way and it doesn’t resemble the World’s way; His plan is simple.

I John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Job 8:6

If you are pure and upright, even now he will rouse himself on your behalf and restore you to your prosperous state.

As a former Hopeless Romantic, I am now Hopeful He will provide a suitable mate for me; because I serve a Loving and Gracious God who fearfully made me and has someone equally as precious as me.  BUT if it is His sovereign will that I remain single, then “be it unto me” to remain single as His bride until His return.  For my happiness and unspeakable Joy has no beginning or end because His unfailing and immeasurable love for me knows no bounds and his thoughts of me are endless!

Psalms 139:17-18

How precious to me are your thoughts God!  How vast is the sum of them! 

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you.

Ephesians 3:17-18

…And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

With this experience, I bring wisdom to the Single masses that are still in bondage to the World’s methods.  So many are lost and spinning their wheels like a hamster on a wheel.  Dating only leads to more dating.  Depending on who you date, it can possibly turn into a relationship. But relationships don’t always lead to marriage.  This also depends on who you enter into a relationship with.  There are so many factors and pitfalls involved in dating that supposedly leads to long lasting love.  Dating is like being an entrée in a buffet line; availing yourself to be picked up, examined, and tried by a smorgasbord of people who don’t have a clear idea of what they really want.  In the end, you are dropped like a hot potato if it doesn’t work out.  God’s way is like being a precious jewel…having been protected and hidden until the perfect time of presentation, when the purchaser is fully prepared and ready to obtain his treasure, he will carefully choose from the most precious of jewels while being guided by the Master Jeweler!  With God at the driver’s seat, reaching the destination is not weary or arduous, but smooth, peaceful, and RIGHTEOUS!

If your ultimate goal in dating is not marriage, then why bother dating?  Has dating become a recreational activity like playing a sport or taking up a hobby?  It shouldn’t be taken lightly because unlike a sport or hobby, recreational dating can lead to sin.  The bible tells us to guard our hearts and to flee from sexual immorality.  People in the dating scene get emotionally and physically entangled and chalk it up to experience as if they were accumulating points on a debit card to redeem for prizes later.  There is no prize for having tons of “Experience”…just heartache, damaged emotions, baggage, and possibly an incurable disease. 

1 John 2:16

For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.

Ephesians 5:3

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.

It’s not in the Bible

Nowhere in the bible does it describe any couples dating or spending time alone as a couple before marriage.  In Genesis 2:22, God presented Eve to Adam.  And they became One Flesh.  In Genesis 24:62-66, Rebekah was presented to Isaac as his wife.  He brought her to meet his mother and married her.  In the book of Ruth, Boaz extended grace to the widower Ruth.  Shortly after, he became her Kinsman Redeemer and married her.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

In all your way acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.

Isaiah 55:7-9

Let the wicked forsake their ways and the unrighteous their thoughts. …“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.“

Keeps the DWEEBS away!

Deceptive, Dishonorable, Disrespectful, Dangerous men who date countless women as a sport and have no good intentions, but to play with them and use them as recreational partners.

Womanizers.  Need I explain this?  These guys like all kinds of women.  Their egos are exalted by the number of women they are involved with.

Exploitive men who view women as objects and expect them to meet their needs without any promises of marriage.

Emotionally unavailable men who have not worked through their issues, yet jump into relationships without caution or restraint and exit leaving skid marks and a trail of broken hearts.  These are the most dangerous because they give women the impression that they can be fixed, so women stick around hoping they will change.

Babes in Christ…men who are not quite ready for marriage, but are out on the prowl for the fun of it, to pass the time.  When they are ready to marry, don’t be surprised if they don’t pick you.

Sensual Seducers...men who love to romance and woo a woman with their smooth talk and romantic notions, make her fall in love, and then lose interest once she’s hooked or wants to take the relationship more seriously.

Dweebs steer clear of chaste honorable women who walk closely with God.  The ones who are deceptive are either found out in time or are transformed by God’s healing power.  By waiting on God, He keeps me in safe pastures…protecting my heart as He Blesses me.

To Please God

I know I am stepping out on a limb by writing this article against Dating.  I have great conviction in what I write; even if it goes against societal norms.  It is God who inspires me to write.  If someone told me a year ago that I would stop dating in order to find the mate that God intends for me, I would’ve laughed at them in disbelief.  But the last 2 years I spent dating have been tiresome and fruitless.  I realized I was no longer walking in God’s path and plan for me, but rather walking in the World’s Pattern.  I will admit that giving up Dating was a slow and painful death.  However, it was absolutely necessary to be Walking in complete Peace with God.  I started to walk alone on a path I never walked.  I don’t personally know anyone who has walked on this path of “No Dating.”  Everyone I know is attractive and sociable, so being dateless is out of the question.  I’ve been dating since I was in the 11^th grade! Dating was a way for me to socialize and feel acceptable in society.  But since I have been seeking a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ, social acceptance is becoming less of a priority for me.  God is who I aim to please now.  So in my solitude, I put away all the World’s false ideologies about dating and marriage and embraced God’s principles about Purity and Godliness instead.  It was on this Path that I found true Peace and Contentment in being Single.

Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

2 Corinthians 7:1

Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.

Dating doesn’t promote Purity

Because I pride myself on my appearance, I could unknowingly attract or entice a man with my dress…that may or may not be my future mate.  This is futile and deceitful.  Due to physical attraction, our hearts can deceive us.  Jeremiah 17:9 tells us the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Let’s face it.  Dating stirs up the heart prematurely and can lead us into physical acts we cannot control…leading to sexual immorality.  What is sexual immorality?  Any physically intimate act outside the context of marriage.  The last thing I want to do is to lie to myself and walk into a compromising situation.  I know it seems dogmatic, but I am speaking from experience.   I want to remain pure and chaste for my future husband.  Why?  1) I want to honor God with my body, mind, and spirit;   2) I want to present myself to my future husband with as little baggage (emotional and physical) as possible;  3)  Getting emotionally and physically involved with someone I may or may not marry ultimately hurts me and my future marriage in the end.

Romans 12:1

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.

Romans 13:3

Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.

No More Games or Fretting

Dating leads not only to physical entanglements, but also emotional ones; most of which are unnecessary and a big waste of time and energy.  Again, I speak from experience here.  So many questions arise: “Should I call him? Why hasn’t he asked me out again?  Should I text him first?”  I have spent countless hours on the phone with friends figuring out the Dating Game and the various strategies to follow.  I even got weekly emails from Dating Experts who give dating tips and advice.  God is a Gentleman.  He takes away all the fretting…all the questions.  He knows us and is aware of our innermost needs.  Not having to get involved with the wrong person allows us to live with less drama and heartache.  As a Lady, I no longer have to worry about what to do.  Instead, I allow God to orchestrate my dealings as He continues to mold me and shape me into His Work of Art!

Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to ‘wait trustfully and quietly on Him’ who has all things safely in His hands.

— Elizabeth Elliot 

Elizabeth Elliot

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention author Elizabeth Elliot. She is a spiritual mentor to me in many ways.  Since reading her books, I am disciplining myself to BE STILL, BE QUIET, WAIT on The Lord, and DO NOTHING…when it comes to pursuing relationships.  It is all up to God and the man to pursue.  It was through reading her books Passion and Purity and Quest for Love that have inspired me to stop dating completely, stay Pure, and to wait on God’s Provision.  Being a movie buff made me an expert on the most romantic movies ever made.  Heck, I even wrote a romantic screenplay myself.  But little did I know that God has been orchestrating some of the most romantic and enduring love stories ever told…for His children!  Her books gave me contentment for today and hope to wait for the Right One for tomorrow.  Someday, I may even write a true life romantic script to show the world that true love waits, is pure, and doesn’t always start with instant chemistry and dating.

A broken heart is a reminder of our only source of power.

— Elizabeth Elliot 

Where does your security lie? Is God your refuge, your hiding place, your stronghold, your shepherd, your counselor, your friend, your redeemer, your savior, your guide? 

If He is, you don’t need to search any further for security.

— Elizabeth Elliot 

I would like to get married again

I would like the chance to follow God, the Master Architect of marriage; and succeed in areas that I failed in the past.  I believe in my heart that Dating doesn’t lead to marriage.  Dating does not bring me closer to finding the right person.  And Dating hinders me from becoming the right partner that God intends me to be.  Only God knows that appointed person and time.  He will move heaven and earth to make that happen.  Instead, I will wait and pray for God to bring me a Godly mate who fears Him, loves Him, and walks with Him in Purity as I do.  Someone who recognizes his role as a husband, so I can walk alongside him, be his help mate, soulmate, and companion for the rest of his days on this earth.  Someone who understands that God’s perfect will brings us imperfect human beings to love and to cherish…so we can partake in Christ’s love for us and His divine power that glues us together and keeps us committed to our Covenant with each other.   

Romans 8:24-25

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Of one thing I am perfectly sure: God’s story never ends with ‘ashes’.

— Elizabeth Elliot 

So let’s review the list of reasons Why I Stopped Dating:

1. Following the World’s View on Dating is costly
2. It’s not in the Bible
3. Keeps the DWEEBS away!
4. To please God
5. Dating doesn’t promote Purity
6. No more Games or Fretting
7. I would like to get married again

My New Guidelines and Process

I wouldn’t even consider someone who wasn’t a strong Christian.   I have a long list of requirements.  Here is my short list: he must be God fearing, a leader with a servant’s heart, teachable, stable, a sense of humor, and humble.  He must be ready for marriage…from God’s clear instructions.  Otherwise, he is just playing around with women’s hearts and wasting my time.  If a man is marriage minded, then he will not feel pressured to pursue a woman with honorable and pure intentions.  He will take his time to look at her attributes and consider her inner beauty more than her outer beauty.  Proverbs tells us that “beauty is fleeting, charm is deceptive, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” 

Not dating frees up my time and energy.  My mind and heart is clear of any entanglements.  I go about my life…walking with God daily, work, church, raising my son, Serving God, and fellowship with family and friends. As a single person, this is my chance to serve God without limits!  In Genesis, Rebekah was going about her business serving her family and God as she fetched water from a well when she was spotted as a possible wife for Isaac. 

 

Since I stopped dating and all the activities that lead to dating, I have a much stronger relationship with God. I can hear His voice more clearly.  I am more at peace and have a clean conscience knowing that God’s Sovereign will is in the center of all my relationships. I am learning to trust Him more in this area of my life.  He is opening new doors for me career wise and in ministry.  For the first time, I am open to going on a Missions Trip to the Philippines.  And since writing this article, I am inspired to write a book on this subject of Not Dating and remaining Pure before marriage. 

God’s Word is clear.  He commands us to live Purely…physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us, but to give us hope and a future.  He knows what is best for us and what will ultimately destroy us.  So His precepts are like guard rails to protect us, for our own good.  I hope to be a beacon of Truth and Light for those around me who want to live morally and sexually pure according to God’s Standards and not the World’s.  I pray that whoever was touched by this article(s) joins me on this quest towards Sanctification and Purity.  I am confident you will find Peace, Joy, and Love!  Love above all!

The World’s View of Dating and Marriage:

1 – Man meets Woman and thinks she’s Hot!

2 – Man asks Woman on a date (Man prays she will sleep with him)

3 – Man continues to date the Woman (maybe even other women at the same time)

4 – Man finally decides to commit to one Woman (it’s tiring to be juggling more than one woman and after all, she’s Hot!)

5 – Man asks Woman to move in together (The Romance and Passion is in full swing)

6 – Man proposes to Woman (after she gives him an ultimatum and it’s time to settle down)

7 – Man Marries Woman (They build their house on Sand)

8 – Man and Woman try to live as man and wife (reality sets in – they are bored, dissatisfied, and begin to struggle)

9 – Man and/or Woman decide “It’s not working…time to throw in the towel” (After years of struggling through the storms of life)

10 – They get a Divorce citing “Irreconcilable Differences”

11 – The Cycle Re-Starts.  Onto another person…

My Interpretation of God’s Plan:

1 – Man walks alone with God until he is ready to marry

2 – Man meets Woman

3 – Man investigates Woman (Man prays and asks God if that Woman is the Right One)

4 – Man Courts Woman

5 – Man Proposes and gets Engaged (Once he gets confirmation and clear instruction from God – During this process, they remain Pure.)

6 – Man Marries Woman (They build their house on The Rock)

7 – Husband Dates his Wife (Romance and Passion begins…after marriage)

8 – Husband Leads his Wife Spiritually (both walk together in Obedience to Christ)

9 – Husband Submits to God; Wife Submits to Husband; Both grow together (This is how God designed Marriage)

10 – When storms hit, they cling to the Master Architect to protect them, guide them, and glue them back together…if necessary.

11 – The time they spent as Singles being refined by God and the self-control required to keep them Pure prior to marriage is the fuel and determination needed to persevere during life’s storms in their marriage.  They come out of the storms closer to one another with a deeper love abiding in Christ.  This Pleases God and He Blesses them!

I Thessalonians 4:3-8

It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister.  The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before.  For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.  Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who give you his Holy Spirit.