Dating your children is another way of spending quality time with them on a regular basis, outside the home, on an individual level. This one-on–one interaction can take place anywhere that both of you can talk and enjoy the atmosphere. This time together should take place consistently. It can be something simple as going to Starbuck’s or Jamba Juice or something as elaborate as having a nice dinner or playing a round of golf. Depending on how many kids you have, your availability, and your finances; it can take place once a week or three times a year. The quality time each child gets with each individual parent on these “Dates” will pay dividends if done correctly, with consistency, and with the attitude of love. I should clarify that your relationship with your children does not take precedence over your relationship with your spouse. This is simply a tool to enrich your bond with your children while instilling Godly principles and building lasting memories.
Abraham anticipated and yearned for the birth of his son Isaac for many years. I'm sure Abraham didn’t waste a single minute once Isaac was of a proper age to teach him everything he knew. He probably relished every moment he had with his son to teach him the ways of God, how to tend to the flock, gather wood, and offer sacrifices to God. By the time God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac as a burnt offering, Isaac must’ve already been an expert in this practice.
Genesis 22:6-8
Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”
“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied. “The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.
Isaac must’ve enjoyed his one-on-one time with his dad. Abraham probably felt great agony between his pride in his son’s initiative with the task at hand and the knowledge of having to slay him as a sacrifice. But God was merciful and stopped Abraham from harming his son. “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” He said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.” (Genesis 22:12). God was the source and in the center of the love between Abraham and Isaac. He blessed their time together.
I too anticipated the birth of my first and only child. My son Charles was born after suffering two miscarriages and infertility issues. My bundle of joy was God’s miracle. I couldn’t wait to meet him, hold him, watch him develop, and teach him all sorts of things. To my dismay, my beautiful little boy was a fearless, colicky, strong-willed child. This was apparent to me during his first month of life! I used to call him Houdini because at two months, he pried his way out of his tightly wrapped swaddling blanket securely fastened with Velcro enclosures and safety pins. I was forced to graduate to Velcro and safety pins since he would undo his blanket within minutes of being swaddled. I read somewhere that being swaddled tightly helped them sleep throughout the night. The Velcro contraption I bought did not work since he would wake up, pry himself out of it, and stay awake most nights.
Once he learned to walk, he wanted his independence to wander around everywhere. So I bought him a leash that looked like a stuffed animal strapped to his back. He screamed as if he had a straight jacket on and refused to let me put it on him again. He instinctively knew it would constrict his movements. Another contraption bites the dust! Shortly after he turned two, he jumped out of his crib on his own. I heard a loud crash coming from his room and then I suddenly saw him walk out of his room nonchalantly to play with his toys. I had no choice but to get him a toddler bed that same day! Unfortunately, this led to many months of sleepless nights for me due to his fear of sleeping in his own bed. He was physically and mentally advanced for his age, but not emotionally ready for the adjustments.
When that fear dissipated, he feared no one; except for the police. His concept of God was not matured, so naturally the fear of God did not govern his behavior. Yet the mention of the police stopped him dead in his tracks. At age three, he was asked to be the ring bearer at my cousin’s wedding, but refused to get fitted for his tuxedo at the shop. After 45 minutes, none of us were able to get him to try on his tuxedo. Even candy bribes didn’t budge my little brat! Thankfully, I remembered that his uncle "to be" was in law enforcement. I told him I would call his uncle over if he didn’t cooperate with us. It took only a few seconds for him to comply. He would whine and cry his way out of his high chair at restaurants. Once he was free from the clutches of the high chair, he would run straight into the kitchen. He saw as many kitchens as health inspectors did! I often prayed for the fear of God to slow down this adorable little terror.
1 – They will feel loved knowing time was set aside for them individually
Children need to feel loved and accepted, because the love and acceptance they feel toward their parents is unconditional. After Isaac was weaned, Abraham threw a feast in his honor. Isaac was celebrated at every stage of his life. He knew he was loved by his father’s affection and attention.
2 – They will feel heard and understood
Kids today need to be heard and understood more than ever. With social media sites like Facebook and Twitter and online video games, they are seeking attention and acceptance from peers, friends, etc. Most of the time, these sites fall short compared to a parent’s loving attention and acceptance. The attention and approval they need will build their foundational character that God can later hone and build on. It is crucial for them to know they are acceptable in a world that is performance based and focused on the externals.
3 – Builds Faith in God
Isaac spoke up and Abraham listened. Then he taught his son that God will provide. And God did provide. What a faith building experience! These are significant lessons to teach our children while we are spending quality time listening to and understanding them. They are more receptive to God and our teaching when they feel heard and understood and when they see us walking with God.
4 – This is an opportunity to commend, instruct, correct, and teach
- A portion of the time can be set aside to instruct or correct a wrong behavior or thinking
- This is not a time to dole out discipline or be critical
- This is a time to speak more broadly about how good and/or bad decisions affect their lives
- Commend them for their wise decisions and hard work in school, activities, etc.
- But mostly, it’s a celebratory time of togetherness
- The key here is to communicate in Love
- If your child becomes visibly upset or gets defensive, you have missed the point
- This is also an opportunity to do a fun and light activity that allows conversation to flow more naturally. If the activity monopolizes the conversation, do something else next time.
Once Charles entered Kindergarten, he knew his multiplication tables and basic reading. Needless to say, he was highly intelligent. However, this combined with his lack of fear and independence proved to be challenging. His teacher informed me on several occasions that he chose not to participate in certain activities when he thought he was not actually learning something. So he refused to color, cut, and paste with scissors and glue, because according to him, that assignment was not teaching him anything. Whenever I picked him up from school, I would frequently ask him what he learned that day. Some days he would scoff and say, “Nothing! We did nothing but art and coloring!”
At one point, his behavior and attitude was so out of control and disheartening, that I felt levels of helplessness and sadness as a mother. He didn’t want to go to school and rebelled against my authority. At age six, which was the height of his rebellion, he told me that he wished I got Diabetes so I would die, so he wouldn’t have to follow me anymore. This broke my heart! It seemed the more I tried to rule over him with my authority, the more it backfired. I prayed fervently for God to intervene in my situation. Thankfully, by the end of first grade, I was able to teach him more about the Gospel and Godly principles through videos, bible stories, and attending church. I continued to pray for strength and perseverance for myself as I instilled God’s word into his heart.
Deuteronomy 11:18-20
Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
5 – They will learn how to communicate with others on a one-on-one basis
Kids usually socialize in groups, like a classroom, in the playground, in sports, etc. There are very few times that they get one-on-one time with an adult. That attention is not usually positive. For example when a teacher has to correct your child, that’s when they get individual attention. Your undivided attention trains them to focus, listen, and give eye contact. This in turn will strengthen their interpersonal skills. This is beneficial for them in the long run; both on a personal and professional level.
6 – They will learn to set aside time with God
The individual time you spend with your child models the time they will eventually spend with God when they are older. While you build trust and connection with your child, you can slowly show them how to build the same trust with our Lord Jesus Christ. This only works when they see us truly spending time with God and witness the power of His Spirit and word governing our lives.
7 – Builds Lifelong Intimacy
Children are in our lives for only a season. They will eventually have their own lives and relationships that will naturally take precedence over our relationship with them. The best moment for a parent is when their children come to them willingly to talk; especially when they are grown and don’t have to be coaxed to call home. This too delights God when we come to Him on our own. It brings a parent great joy to see their child walk upright with the Lord and seek wise counsel during tough times. Our greatest reward as parents is to see our children succeed as they walk closely with God giving Him praises as He continues to bless us for a job well done!
Abraham delighted in his son Isaac. He was so intimately involved in his development and future that he instructed his servant to select a wife for him from his homeland, since there weren’t any suitable women in their area. This required total faith and trust in God from both Abraham and Isaac. And since Isaac completely trusted his father’s love and wisdom from the years of “Dating” and building a strong bond, he allowed his father’s longtime servant to bring a Godly woman for him to marry, sight unseen! (Genesis Chapter 24) The ultimate honor and true sign of intimacy and trust is for a child to allow his parent to choose a suitable mate for him. Nowadays, children don’t even seek counsel from their parents as to who is appropriate for them. Sometimes, they just show up at the door with a fiancé in tow.
Today, Charles is a well balance eight year old in the third grade. He is in an accelerated program at school and enjoys sports, singing worship songs, and art projects. He has a better grasp of authority and respect for elders; and finally understands that parents and teachers are authorities that he has to follow as part of Gold’s will for his life. I thank God ever day for his tamed and transformed heart. I'm grateful for his receptiveness to God’s word. I have to admit that I too underwent a transformation, which was instrumental in his renewed behavior. As I watched the videos and read bible stories alongside him, I felt the Holy Spirit tug at my heart. Sometimes when we want the other person to change, God in His sovereignty changes both parties for the betterment of the relationship.
After spending one-one-one time with him and taking him out on special dates, he continues to develop into a more loving, God Fearing, child of God. Teaching him about the character and nature of God was necessary and essential in disciplining him and controlling his behavior. Traditional counseling and discipline would’ve been futile and might have prolonged the correction of his behavior. The more he learns about God’s goodness and power, the more he is humbled and shows fear of God’s wrath. This is advanced for an eight year old, but I give credit the word of God. For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart (Hebrews 4:12).
Whenever he gets out of line, which is not very often, I remind him that God gave me authority over him until he turns 18 and that I won’t be around forever. This seems to soften him immediately and bring out his sensitive side. His eyes would tear up at the thought that I will not be around forever. Just the other day, I told him about the insensitive comment he made to me about Diabetes. He didn’t remember that he ever said that and apologized immediately! I am a blessed mother for having such a handsome, Godly, intelligent, strong willed son and for having a Father in Heaven who intervenes on my behalf. I give the glory and honor to God for restoring to me the loving relationship I wished for with my son. It is my hope and prayer that God will use Charles in His Kingdom for His glory someday. In the meantime, I will continue to “Date” him and cherish the moments I have with him. As his first and primary teacher, I am committed to instilling the Gospel at every stage of his life!
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
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