I just crossed the 90-Day threshold of No Contact with my Narcissist. I must say that I feel different and definitely much better! Where once I could barely survive the day, I could now thrive. Where once I couldn’t stop obsessing over my Narcissist: “What is he doing? Who is he with? Why hasn’t he reached out?” circling in my head, I now have minimal thoughts of him and his whereabouts. Where once I couldn’t break free from pain, I am now pain free! I thank Almighty God for this and for my Friends on Youtube.
Rewind 90 Days Ago
I was in tremendous pain … both physically and emotionally. I was breaking down mentally and spiritually. I would burst into tears at a moment’s notice remembering “The Love” we had. My heart was breaking every minute. Not literally, but the fragments of my confused mind and spirit mixed with the upheaval of my emotions left my heart in a state of shock and constant pain. Now I know this was the Cognitive Dissonance my mind and heart was feeling while warring with each other. I couldn’t stop the obsessive thoughts swirling in my head wondering who he was with, hating him, loving him, and wanting him to suffer all at the same time.
All I wanted to do most of the time was lay in bed and watch YouTube videos about Narcissists, cry, and eat comfort foods. I did this most weekends when I didn’t have my son, Charles. During the work week, I sat at my desk putting on a fake smile talking to borrowers over the phone … counting the minutes until I could run to my car and take off the mask and cry …then turn on YouTube on my iPhone so I could hear from my friends. They are my friends now. The abuse victims of Narcissistic Abuse. They helped me get through the pain with their stories end encouragement.
I was discarded after two years by my Narcissist. I have to say I discarded him as well, but when he was done with me and I was very hurt and devastated. He left me right after my father passed away. A typical exit for a Narcissist. To leave while someone is facing illness, tragedy, or loss. It makes for more dramatic effect.
I Was In Denial
I had no idea I was with a Narcissist until November 10, 2017. I decided to go No Contact around October 19th a few weeks earlier, because this is what the dating experts said do to when your on again off again boyfriend is taking you for granted and not making time for you. He instigated a break up in late June 2017 about a week after my father passed away. I was devastated and beside myself, but at the same time, I was done with all the drama and the constant ups and downs of our relationship. We broke up and got back together dozens of times. Towards the end, it was happening on a weekly basis. I was also facing health issues and financial turmoil. In the two years I was with the narcissist, I gained close to 35 pounds. From the first day I met him, my nervous system was activated and my hormones were in full tilt. After 16 months of turmoil and losing sleep, I felt like my metabolism stopped. I was losing a lot of hair, experiencing digestive issues. I was always fatigued most of the time. According to my sister, I looked like a “Hot Mess.”
Where I was once cool as a cucumber, at peace, and walking with God, I was now an emotional wreck, aging, and facing a health crisis. I still didn’t think it was him or that he was a narcissist.
Yes. I am a Christian woman. I hadn’t dated anyone for four and a half years prior to the narcissist. Well I did go on a few dates from Christian Mingle, but none of them went well, so I turned to another site, where I met my narcissist. He was handsome, charismatic, and seemed very sweet. But he was not a Christian. I was blinded by his looks and our chemistry. After being alone for a long time and feeling alone and isolated (right where the devil wanted me) I fell for this perfect storm that left me broke, destitute, and shipwrecked.
So here I was, devastated from our break up and in a lot of pain. I was watching videos about Narcissistic abuse, but none of them matched my narcissist. Mine was covert and didn’t call me names, hit me, or was overtly mean to me. His form of abuse was passive. He used the stone walling and the silent treatment to punish me. A few weeks after our break up, I read an amazing book called Attached. This made me realize he was an Avoidant and I was Anxious. I finally understood why I was so jacked up emotionally. He would pull away then come back. Hot and cold. Ambivalent. But all that data wasn’t enough. I wasn’t satisfied. Then I read Psychopath Free. This finally made me realize I was with a Narcissist. A different kind of Narcissist. Then I went deeper into my study. I was ravenous for information listening to videos and books about 5-8 hours a day … listening to every version of Gaslighting, discard, devalue, etc.
When they got to the part of healing, I didn’t like their answers or solutions … Yoga, meditation, self-care, counseling. As a Christian woman, I knew what I had to do. Go back to God.
Gauging my Racing Thoughts and Feelings
On a weekly basis or as often as I wanted, I would rate my feelings and emotions and text them to myself. On a scale of 0-10, 10 being the extreme and zero being nothing, I would rate the following categories:
Longing: (0-10)
Pain: (0-10)
Constant Thoughts: (0-10)
Despair: (0-10)
These were the main categories my thoughts, brain, and feelings would default to, so I would do a check up, especially if I was feeling anxious or ready to burst into tears. Then I would pray and ask God to give me peace. I would remind myself that this too will pass.
The Jezebel Narcissist
Three years before I met my narcissist, while I was tucked away in God’s cocoon studying His Word, writing Christian articles, working on my books while waiting for The One to appear at my doorstep, I studied the Jezebel Spirit. This is what led me to study the Narcissist. The Jezebel Spirit is the Biblical version of the world’s depiction of the Narcissist. It never dawned on me that I was actually involved with one.
The Word tells us to test all spirits. I failed to do so because I was in love with this one. I allowed myself to be duped because the sin of lust overcame me and took over my brain and heart and pulled me away from God. The entire time, I was asking God to bless our union. And every step, God warned me. I was deaf and blind because I wanted what I wanted. At one point, God gave me over to what I wanted. This nearly destroyed me.
Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world. — 1 John 4:1
So during the 90-Days, I interspersed prayer, sermons, and some light fasting to the mix of YouTube videos and books about Narcissism. I also reminded myself of my worth and identity in Christ. I asked God for forgiveness and renounced my relationship with the Narcissist daily. The agony and pain was real because the war in the Spirit was heavy. But God won in the end because I turned away from my sin.
The one thing that was never suggested in any of the videos on YouTube was that we needed to ask forgiveness from God. We need to turn away from our sin of being with a Narcissist. It was never God’s will for me to be with a Narcissist. I willingly walked into the relationship, while being led to the slaughter by his slippery speech and magnetism.
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. — 1 John 1:9
I repented of my sin and turned away from him. This was not easy, because my heart was still pining over him and our “Connection” and chemistry. The devil injected memories and flashbacks in my head so I can see and feel what I had been through with him. So I would bend and go back. I did have some weak moments. I didn’t want to reach out, but I missed him and wished he would reach out to me. Just so I would have the satisfaction of not responding. Not once did he reach out.
I felt deep rejection and abandonment by the fact that he didn’t reach out or call me. Not even on my birthday. The pain grew even worse. This made me cry. I was very sad. The feelings of rejection would overcome me. I had to pray hard and fight it with God’s Word and strength. I had to stand on God’s promises and remember my repentance.
Our sordid relationship that was built on chemistry, passion, and riddled with fights, and break ups was supposed to end in marriage. This is how inflated with helium and a touch of magical thinking my delusion was. My narcissist convinced me that we were going move in together and get married - Future Faking at its finest. In my diluted mind, this should’ve happened during year one, but it didn’t. So by the time year two was coming around, I was in a panic over our stalled relationship. “This isn’t what I promised God” I thought.
The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it? — Jeremiah 17:9
Our relationship seemed to be getting worse for the wear, I started making demands about where it should be and that I was no longer going to take his inconsistent behavior anymore. I basically gave him an ultimatum. We already know that Narcissists don't respond to ultimatums. Heck, they don’t respond to anything we say. This was his ticket out of the relationship. Looking back, his inconsistent behavior was a cover up for his activities to groom his next target so he can make a grand exit.
I didn’t let him get away with anything. I did everything wrong to keep a Narcissist happy. I corrected him whenever he was wrong and I often told him what to do. I called him out on his lies and inconsistencies. Little did I know I was digging my own grave. Figuratively speaking that is. Thank God that I was a walking Lie Detector and I was catching onto his lies and bad behaviors.
Towards the end, he was complaining that I was a “Nag” and that I was always negative. He demanded I accept him the way he was or we couldn’t continue. I agreed to accept him even if he wasn’t a Christian and that he didn’t make a lot of money, but I told him I didn’t want to be treated badly and I needed more consistency from him. We agreed. Nothing changed and we broke up two weeks after that conversation.
Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. — Ephesians 5:11
The 90 Days of No Contact was the longest duration we stayed away from each other since first meeting in July of 2015. Although it was painful, I am glad he didn’t reach out. This helped me heal faster.
Today, I am no longer in pain. I don’t listen to Youtube videos as often, but I still watch about 3-5 hours a week now. I listen to sermons and read my Bible more. I am also writing again. During the 90 days, I found it hard to watch a full length movie on Netflix because of the pain and anguish I was feeling. I couldn’t focus on the movie. I would turn it off and turn on YouTube instead so I could hear more stories about the Narcissist. Then I would listen to a sermon and bring it back to God. Now I can watch a full length movie without disruption of tears or needing feed on Narcissistic intelligence to quell my damaged brain.
I can say that I am about 80% normal. My heart and emotional well being have improved tremendously. Although physically I am not yet there, I look forward to being back at 100%.
I have a lot more to say about my experience with the Narcissist and my own journey to healing. I believe there is quicker and more permanent healing in Christ through prayer and Biblical counseling than traditional psychological counseling and other healing modalities.
I don’t know how I am going to react when my narcissist does reach out to me. But I do know I am no longer engaging in any conversations or texts with him. He lost all access to me when he lied to me, abused me, and manipulated me for money, sex, and a false relationship for supply. His Narcissism is demonically charged and can only be cast down and healed by Jesus Christ. I won’t stand by or hold my breath for that day to come. As a reformed Empath, God’s Will for me is to walk in righteousness, abhor evil and cling to what is good. It’s clear to me that I have to steer clear of any and all Narcissists … even family members.
I am praying about starting my own YouTube channel dedicated to this experience and helping others heal through Christ.
For there is no faithfulness in their mouth;
Their inward part is destruction;
Their throat is an open tomb;
They flatter with their tongue.
Pronounce them guilty, O God!
Let them fall by their own counsels;
Cast them out in the multitude of their transgressions,
For they have rebelled against You.
But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You;
Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them;
Let those also who love Your name
Be joyful in You.
For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous;
With favor You will surround him as with a shield.
— Psalm 5:9-12
If you’d like to know more or have questions, please email me at:
I would love to hear your feedback and/or story.
God Bless You Love Ones!
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